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the signs as john mulaney quotes


Aries: [the entirety of the salt and pepper diner skit]

Taurus:  “In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Gemini: “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.”

Cancer:  “I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”

Leo: “Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.”

Virgo: “This is an on-fire garbage can. …Could be a nursery. “

Libra:  “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”

Scorpio:  “‘No,’ I said. You know, like a liar.”

Sagittarius: “Hi, I’m very gay, and I’d like a few dollars.”

Capricorn:  “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

Aquarius: “‘I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian’”

Pisces: “Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.”

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